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两只鸟超过几个橙色一半。

我们的女儿上个月的33岁了,这意味着我派出了祝她生日快乐的年度文本,并在徒劳的回复中等待。我还向我们的南部一小时邮寄了一本书,思考实际礼物的到来可能会产生一些致谢的动画。没有骰子。我可爱的妻子,那个在她的子宫里九个月的女人,从年轻时教导她表达感恩,邮寄生日贺卡并通过文本问她的重要性,她更喜欢收到一些生日现金。蟋蟀。

我们已经习惯了这一响亮的沉默,所以没有电话或电子邮件或雇用大写字母和感叹号的电子邮件。“她可能真的很忙,”我告诉MLW。然而,私下,我想知道我们如何冒犯她,因为我们自感恩节以来没有说过。仍然,我不想伸出援手。如果她想谈谈,她会打电话.

这是一个空嵌套的经典难题:在他们飞过鸡舍的情况下,你如何保持在后代的生活中,而不会劝阻他们追求独立性?We know our daughter and our 30-year-old son are each carving out their places in the world — career, marriage, children, and the rest — but it’s sometimes hard to know exactly where we fit in. Or if there’s a meaningful role for us at all.

当然,大流行加剧了这种情况,防止了常规家庭聚会,可靠地产生我们弄清楚孩子是否需要任何建议或援助所需的互动和信息。封存一年后我们并不是陌生人 - 我们的孙子每周一次访问与他的父亲一起抢夺互动 - 但我们也没有彼此熟悉,因为我们是我们预先生的父亲。文本和电话无法替代晚餐的扩展对话。

但是,正如Brigham Young University社会科学教授Laura Padilla-Walker,Phd,笔记the华盛顿邮报,处理我们的成年儿童一直是一种“压力平衡行为”。即使你认为自己为独立生活做好准备时,你也会面临各种诱惑来干预不必要的。betvlctor伟德手机登录“在争论是否介绍努力时,”她说,“对你的动机诚实,以及你是否真的需要或者你是否试图控制结果。”

在你育儿旅程中,增加了棕色大学发展心理学家理查德·林德,博士,同志们Raising Can-Do Kids, you can often be more effective as a mentor than a supervisor. “Mentors dispense perspective, encouragement, and make suggestions on how to shape behavior, instead of trying to control it,” he explains in thePost. “It’s important to remember that adult children now get to make their own choices and parents have to, above all, honor that.”

当沟通线似乎被阻止时,不要恐慌。有时它只是一个迹象表明你的孩子想要通过自己的挑战形势而不是要求帮助。这实际上是他们的成长的迹象 - 如果你能抵抗守望,那么你的成长迹象

我们自己的耐心是奖励的,当她的生日之后10天,我们的女儿发短信给她发了牌,并要求鸟类饲养者而不是现金。我在线程上并抓住机会给她打电话。她马上拿起了。

“今天下午我实际上要买了一些小鸟,”我告诉她。“我可以为你拿起喂食器和一些种子。”

“这将是伟大的,”她回答说,注意到她会在这个城市,并可以挥舞,并用一些她在车库里存放的东西来播放它。“我会来到4点左右。”

True to form, she showed up closer to 4:30, but we spent the next 90 minutes getting reacquainted — our first in-person conversation since her wedding last October. She’d been working 60 to 80 hours a week, we learned . . . and her youngest cat had been sick . . . and she and her spouse wanted to plant a garden and put up a picket fence like the one in our backyard . . . and the pipes in their house had frozen and burst in February, and insurance covered most of the damage, but the cost of the new furnace went onto the credit card, which they had just paid off. (She did not ask for dough; we didn’t offer.) It was like we’d turned on a faucet and the news just poured out.

然后,几乎是一个事后,她宣布,她计划在年底之前怀孕。

MLW and I soaked it all in, like sunshine on an early spring day, marveling at our first-born’s stresses and successes, perils and plans. And at some point, it occurred to me that maybe she needed to reconnect as much as we did.

Her spouse’s birthday was approaching, MLW noted, and she wondered whether some gardening tools would be an appropriate gift. Maybe she’d take them (the spouse is nonbinary and uses plural pronouns) to the garden center and let them pick out some stuff.

“他们喜欢那样的话,”她说。

“而且你和我可以在那个围栏上工作,”我冒险。

“那将是如此之大。”

Later, out in the garage, we crammed a few boxes full of her musty belongings into the back of her car, and she prepared to set off for home. “Maybe we can get together in the next couple of weeks,” she offered.

“听起来不错,”我回答道。“我会保持联系。”

克雷格
Craig Cox.

Craig Cox是一个伟德网上娱乐deputy editor who explores the joys and challenges of healthy aging.

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